“If somebody treats you with unkindness... it’s likely they have
endured similar treatment from others in the past,
and they are only repeating unconscious patterns in search
of a love they cannot find.”
― Jeff Foster
It is the space in which we give up trying to fix each other,
and instead listen with our entire being.
It is the space in which true relaxation can happen,
where the frazzled nervous system can breathe a sigh of relief.”
― Matt Licata
Wouldn't it be great if we could will ourselves and others to change? That by simply telling people how they should be and act and feel, it would magically happen? That it could be as simple as saying Be Kind or Choose Happiness or Cultivate Gratitude and suddenly the world is transformed? Maybe if we just said it enough times, posted enough pretty pictures on social media with the words in bold, trendy fonts, like a good intention, like a mantra, like Dorothy clicking her shining red heals together, wala, finally, it will be accomplished.
Nowhere do I see the inanity of platitudes like I do when I think about my little three-year-old granddaughter. Like me, she feels her feelings in a very big way. But unlike when dealing with myself and my own feelings, it does not even cross my mind to try to change, either directly or indirectly, what she is experiencing and feeling. When she is sad, I would never tell her to choose happiness. When angry, I would not tell her to be kind. When she is melting down because she doesn't want to have to say goodbye, would I tell her not to be sad it's over, but to be glad that it happened, that we had the time together? Or that good things come to those who wait when she tells me how much she misses me coming over to their house? That everything happens for a reason, that time heals all wounds, that the only way out is through?
Personally, I have never found what I assume to be well-meaning platitudes helpful. For one thing, they bring out the precious little Stubborn One in me, the one that does not at all like to be told what to do. But much more importantly, they do not make me kinder or happier or more grateful, they in fact make me feel ashamed. And invisible. And bad and wrong. And yes, sometimes, angry.
Having emotions is what makes us human, and they don't change as we mature, though the acceptance of them does. As a culture, we don't do feelings well, and everywhere we turn these days we see their shadow side. Also, there is this idea, often especially in spiritual communities, that we should never entertain any of the so-called negative emotions. That somehow it is bad or we are bad if we allow ourselves to experience anger or rage or jealousy or fear or worry or resentment or sadness or grief or loneliness.
Last week I happened upon a wise psychologist I used to follow on the internet but had lost touch with when I quit facebook. I initially found him years ago through a spiritual teacher that I liked very much, one who did not, like so many other spiritual teachers, suggest that we "bypass" anything that we are feeling, but rather, that we consider treating anything that knocks on our door as a welcome guest.
Just writing that, suddenly all the tension that I didn't even know was in my body lets go and I breathe deeply. What if I treated everything that arises in my experience as a benevolent visitor? Oh my. What if everything, I mean everything that arises within me, no matter how uncomfortable, no matter how "unacceptable", is made welcome, is offered warmth and understanding, compassion even. Just like I somehow, through some miracle, innately do with my granddaughter.
Here's the difference, and why I was and am so drawn to the spiritual and emotional teachings of these two men: they are wholly in touch with their feminine essences; theirs is always an invitation, never a dictum. An appeal laden with curiosity. A wondering about what our uninvited guests might want to share with us; and an acknowledgment of the richness of the opportunity to enter our own beings, and to truly be with what is real and present in each moment.
Should we all be kinder? Of course. What a better world we would live in. But the notion that we can simply choose or be prodded there is misguided at its very core. True change comes from within, not by slapping a band-aid on our pain and suffering and calling it a day. Not only is there no compassion, no empathy, and ironically, no kindness in a platitude, but there is a great deal of arrogance. Just like there is arrogance, plus privilege when I suggest that we should all simply swing the door wide and admit one and all that stands, exhausted and forlorn, on our threshold. Welcoming the visitors, opening the door to all that asks to be experienced is not ever easy, nor simple. Not only is there little support for such a thing, but sometimes, oftentimes, our very survival has depended on not opening those doors. Sometimes what the guests offered felt totally overwhelming, was totally overwhelming. Or, we are simply indoctrinated that feeling feelings is bad, unless of course, they are the happy, positive, chipper feelings; not the full spectrum of utterly human emotions.
This morning I headed out for a walk and at the last minute grabbed my headphones so that I could listen to a podcast. Suddenly I am hearing Dr. Susan David, a Harvard researcher, speaking about emotional agility. In her work, she explained, she explores what it takes for us to be healthy human beings; to be healthy with our thoughts, our emotions, and our stories. As I walked beneath the tall redwoods that line the edge of my complex, I was so moved as she spoke about the power of seeing, both seeing ourselves and others, and about the African greeting, "Sawubona," which means I see you; I bring you into being. She spoke so eloquently about the damage that we do when we think of thoughts and emotions in terms of the polarities of positive and negative, good and bad; that these ideas and practices are actually avoidant and abandoning, both to ourselves and to others. She reiterates that our inner worlds are everything, and, that to deny our "beautiful human capacities," our full humanness in all that entails, actually makes us unhealthy and fragile, and makes us and our society less resilient, not more.
I am so in awe of the timing. All of these ideas have been swirling inside my head for days on end, this post half written, rewritten, re-visioned again and again and suddenly, there is the thing that brings it all together. Wow. Though still supplies no actual answers, no poetic ending to the story. But then I remembered reading Meagan Markle's powerful NY Times Op-Ed about loss last week, about what a difference the simple words Are You Okay? made in her life at a time that she was struggling. So, what if we begin simply by offering open doors instead of closed ones? What if we stopped telling people, including ourselves, how we should be, act, and feel, and instead we say simply, How Are You? Simple words that can change everything. Questions rather than pushy proclamations; where curiosity and wonder and caring are written in the spaces between the words. What if we understood that the only true kindness or happiness or gratitude or anything is that which arises organically from within? That what blocks that is human pain and sorrow and fear and heartbreak, not intention, that we are all searching for the same thing, not only relief from our suffering, but to truly be seen, and not only seen, but accepted, not only accepted but understood, and ultimately, of course, more than anything, to be loved.
So I ask, how are you my friends? Really, how are you?
In Love & Peace,
Debby
