How do you say you're sorry? I mean how do you even begin to speak your regret not just for something that you've done in the past, but something that you continue to do? How do you say how sorrowful you are for your brittleness; for the way your heart has been encrusted; and how even~no, especially~in the face of such pain and need, the longing painted on the face of your beautiful loved one, you have, once again, locked your door and gone wandering.
It's not like you fly, Anne of Green Gables style, out the window into a gloriously fantastical world filled with color and texture, flowers and birds, trees and animals; love and belonging. Unfettered by the deep black shame that coils itself like a snake around your entire being, that squeezes the humanity right out of you, off she goes, not just resurrected, but nurtured and enlivened in the world of her imagination.
Yes of course there are reasons. There are so many reasons you've lost count. Reasons both past and present. Just like you've lost count (not really) of the number of decades you've done the hard work to free yourself.
How can you grieve if you cannot cry?
How do you forgive yourself? I mean really, how do you forgive yourself?
