Losses

The Bay of Fundy
New Brunswick

Sometimes that thing you've been hungering for arrives seemingly out of the blue.

A photo. A sudden memory. A flash of sorrowful tenderness.

Late planes, changing tides, long drives side by side; Chris Isaak, Garth Brooks, laughter; the searing rub of an old wound; unknown clock ticking.

You read a book about a boy who loses his sister, the person he loves most in the world. The family gave her away. Poof. Sometimes families are so difficult it's a wonder you had grown as close as you had, and for so long; could know the kind of unhinged delight together that you did.

It doesn't matter how it comes about, loss is loss. Sometimes the only way through is numbness. But then there it is. A photo of that trip you took together. One of so many you've lost count. When you hauled her trembling across the country; through the checkpoint on the small two-lane road where they made you park your car and walk inside, feeling like escaped convicts; waiting, waiting, yes, finally, welcome to Canada. The open road, the endless blue of ocean, green of the never-ending birch woods; music cranked up, her annoyingly tapping out every beat on her leg, the door, the dashboard, like a drummer in some wanna-be rock and roll band. Sitting perched together as the bay, one of the seven wonders of North America, fills like a giant, muddy bathtub.

The thousands of miles traveled, until suddenly there's that fork in the road, the one you knew would most likely be there, because let's face it, it's happened before. And most days it's okay. There are even strings of moments, shiny pearls in which you forget altogether though those are less than the moments where you just don't care. Which you now understand is merely the heart's way of trying not to feel the baffling pain of a loved one choosing to leave you. 

So when it arrives, the feeling part of it, the flash of it momentarily blinds you, the sudden opening that you've wished so hard for, and then it is gone; though something remains, subtle but true. And you find yourself hoping against hope that sweet Adbullah, the little boy in the book, finds his precious little sister Pari, and together they live happily ever after.